"A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us." Henri J.M. Nouwen
While vacationing recently I had the opportunity to experience many different styles of parenting and grand-parenting. It was a unique peek into the way that different generations approach the role of child-minding, and how certain "tried and true" methods of discipline either work or don't.
I fully acknowledge that children today are markedly different to those of prior generations. I would speculate that it is for a myriad of reasons, including high stress lifestyles, an economic "necessity" that sees both parents working full-time, increased single-parent households, heightened media and screen exposure, and less time in nature, to name only a few.
In the past couple of decades most forms of physical punishment, like spanking, have been pretty much taken off the table. Not all of our parents employed such methods, but it was certainly an easy one to resort to. In its absence many parents turned to behavior modification, and constructed rewards and consequences.
More recently we have come to understand that even these methods are without great merit. Certainly, like anything, you can achieve desired results but at what cost?
Ultimately when we speak of disciplining a child, most are referring to appropriate punishment. However, discipline comes from guidance and demonstrating how you wish your child to be in the world. I recognize that when my seven-year-old starts to raise her voice in frustration a little too often, chances are I need to look at how I am responding to comparable situations.
Similarly when siblings are fighting more than usual, or the way in which they are disagreeing with one another hitting, yelling, door slamming, you name it is escalating, we as parents are wise to examine the root cause beneath the more common behaviours. Modeling your desired reaction when things get heated is one of the most effective ways of disciplining your child but keep in mind it's proactive, not reactive.
All of this, of course, takes years of patient parenting. Children of all ages including teenagers need to see how we respond to the world, repeatedly, before being able to absorb and mimic our values. In between they will try on any number of responses to see how each one feels and what the ramifications of their choices are.
For parents, we may not see the fruits of our labour until we are well past the point of affecting any further change. This job may truly be the least instantly gratifying job on the planet. Unless you count those unexpected snuggles from your six-year-old, casual hand-holding from your tween, or "I love you" texts from your teen.
In those moments, it's all worthwhile and you are reminded why patience is, indeed, a virtue.
Kirsten Andrews offers courses, workshops and private consultations on Simplicity Parenting in the Corridor. New classes begin this fall, with early-bird rates being offered. For info visit www.SeaToSkySimplicityParenting.com, like it on Facebook or email [email protected].
